Mahar vs duit hantaran

Assalamualaikum wbt! (excited bagi salam sebab rasa mcm dah lama tak update blog)

I was triggered to write about mahar vs duit hantaran when one of my friends tanya dalam usrah, "duit hantaran kita kira niat hadiah atau niat sedekah? Ke paksa rela? lol"

Ok firstly we have to be clear in mind that niyyat or intention is an important aspect of ibadah (hence the hadeeth of niat as the first hadeeth in the 40 imam nawawi collection of hadeeth). And secondly, we have to be clear about the distinction between mahar and duit hantaran.

To those that are getting married now, anda wajib tahu hukum beri mahar kepada isteri - ia wajib. Manakala duit hantaran pula - atau juga dikenali sebagai belanja hangus - merupakan adat masyarakat kita yang perlu kita raikan dan ia tidak wajib. Justeru, adalah tidak betul untuk kita sebut 'aku terima nikahnya dengan duit hantaran sebanyak yang berikut' semasa akad nikah jika fahaman masyarakat tentang duit hantaran ialah suatu wang belanja hangus. Malah, menurut kitab2 fiqh, hanya beberapa perkataan saja yang boleh digunakan ketika akad e.g. mahar dan mas kahwin.

Going back to the real question, maka niat apa perlu kita guna untuk beri duit hantaran? Niat terpaksa? Niat zakat? Hahahah.

It's grey. Tapi aku cenderung untuk mengatakan bahawa niat duit hantaran ini sebagai hadiah. Kalau niat sedekah tu untuk asnaf pula. Insya-Allah ada bahagian pahalanya jika kita ikhlaskan hati untuk memudahkan urusan penyatuan dua jiwa.

Duit hantaran is a foreign thing for me, to be honest. Kami orang melayu kelantan memang tak ada konsep duit belanja hangus ni. Yang hanya difahami dalam masyarakat kelantan ialah konsep mahar. Sometimes we think that it is absurd that the groom pulak is responsible to execute walimah at the bride's side. Kalau ikut adat kelantan, ibu bapa, bapa-bapa saudaralah yang akan berhabis untuk walimah anak mereka. Bukan pengantin lelaki. Malah, bagi sesetengah orang Kelantan, jatuh air mukanya kalau pihak pengantin lelaki nak bagi wang belanja hangus kepada mereka.

Now the next question that you may ask, ‘berapa jumlah yang paling okay untuk mahar atau duit hantaran?’

Well, according to Raheequl Makhtum, Rasulullah SAW beri 20 ekor unta betina as a mahar to Khadijah. Which, if translated into current value would easily reach RM100,000.00. Masalahnya mampu ke kau RM100k? Tak mampu noks. Sebab tu setiap negeri ada minimum amount untuk mahar dan Rasulullah SAW pun galakkan mahar yang rendah nilainya. Keypoint dia; ukur baju di badan sendirilah. Kalau kau tanya aku berapa jumlah yang ideal untuk duit hantaran, aku honestly tak tahu sebab orang Kelantan dan perkahwinan Baginda Rasulullah SAW memang tak pernah come across this concept.

“Apa yang Khadijah buat dengan 20 ekor unta yang Rasulullah SAW beri?”

I do not find any historical context to this question due to my limited reading. But we can correctly assume that Khadijah r.a. had ultimately used them in the path of Allah – assisting our beloved Rasulullah SAW in the early years of Islamic struggle. Do remember that Allah says in Surah An-Nisa’; the bride has total ownership to the mahar, but if the bride is willing to give part of it to the groom, then consume it with hanii’an marii’a (gratitude).

Dan kena ingat, fiqh juga ada membahaskan tentang pemulangan mahar dalam kes-kes cerai di mahkamah syariah. Contohnya jika si isteri dicerai dalam keadaan dia belum disetubuhi (technically the insertion of penis into vagina), si isteri kena pulang separuh mahar kepada suami. There are many cases more but I am not going into the details here. Blog ni bukan blog fiqh hahah. Tak perlu tahu, but it is obviously good utk org yang nak kahwin study dan hadam perkara2 ni sebelum kahwin.

“Boleh tak lelaki guna mahar isteri?”

This question has become more relevant now than ever, kan? Aku paham je korang kerja macam nak mampus, sacrificing many desires along your way for years – demi menyunting bunga di taman larangan. Lagipun mahar ni macam nasi lemak. Sepertimana nasi lemak, standard harga mahar pun naik exponentially walaupun graduate salaries tetap sama je macam dulu. Duit hantaran in 90s was like RM3k at graduate salary of RM1500. Now graduate salary baru RM2k tapi standard duit hantaran dah RM15k! Nasi lemak betul.

And yes, lelaki boleh guna mahar isteri dengan syarat isteri redha dalam suasana komunikasi yg harmoni. Kalau kau dapat bini yg tak memahami, aku bersimpati dengan kau. Bawa bersabar dan jangan jemu menarik isterimu perlahan-lahan dari neraka. Berkomunikasi dan berbincanglah dengan baik. In this age of austerity (this was the word for 2015 kan? Haha) and being thrifty, financial planning is a must, especially bila semua savings kau digunakan utk mahar.

Ada one of my friends that I knew yang guna mahar isteri untuk bayar downpayment rumah. Quite a smart move since renting constrains your cash flow and there are affordable government homes everywhere now. Ada yg guna utk honeymoon expenses, investment in banks, and support parents yg warded at hospital with hefty bills. You can obviously have many options to use the mahar to survive dalam dunia serba mencabar nowadays according to your preferences and circumstances.

One rule stays; allocate some mahar for savings is a must. And you must not necessarily share them planning details to your parents. Kadang2, generasi baby-boomers ni tak dapat terima hakikat bahawa mahar dah jadi a trust fund, dan diorang tak paham apa cabaran yg generasi Y hadapi dlm dunia kerjaya. So keep your mahar planning with your partner je. Perhaps bolehlah kongsi pengalaman amongst your close friends atau dalam usrah juga.

Wallahu’alam. These are all my opinions from my observations je. Semuanya bergantung pada niat kita mcm yg saya sebut dalam awal2 posting ni – that correct niyyah leads to ibadah, which then leads to Allah’s blessings. Both suami isteri kenalah ada basic financial literacy, and aim clearly to build your marriage with compassion and love. Amboi lovey-dovey je aku sekarang ni hehhh.

Alhamdulillah it’s T-20 days to my solemnisation ceremony insya-Allah. Semua benda dah hampir setel kot, kecuali bengkak kat mata aku ni je yg dah mcm kena buat chalazion surgery huhu. Doakan saya juga ya.

Umiku Guru

http://www.thestar.com.my/news/education/2017/05/14/why-may-16-is-teachers-day-in-malaysia/

The article by the star above is quite interesting and it offers a lot of things to be debated. But let’s just hope that this blogpost gonna be a santai one, from umi’s perspective.

Umi is celebrated every year in May as a teacher, as a birthday girl, and as a mother. Tapi selalunya kitorang wish sekali harung je in a single occasion hahah. Umi’s gonna reach 50 next year, and as long as I can remember, she is a very dedicated (and tegas) teacher. The stories that umi told us were aplenty – about students, teachers, Bahasa melayu syllabus, and even gossips from the bilik guru pantry.

A story that I would like to share today is about umi’s transfer from SMK USJ 12 to SMK Alam Megah 2, Shah Alam. Umi requested for transfer some several years ago due to mobility reason (and also ehem the stress that the teachers had to endure in usj 12 ehem). Both schools are merely 10 km apart from each other, but boy, they are totally like 10 years apart.

Leaving USJ 12 for Alam Megah 2 is like entering a new Malaysia’s education situation altogether. I am talking about jurang Pendidikan here. The number of students who got straight As in the recent SPM exam is like heavens and Earth; 4 to 70 if I can recall correctly. There are even SPM candidates of SMK Alam Megah 2 who cannot read and write, let alone writing a whole essay. Only 2 students got A+ for Bahasa Melayu (including my little sister), and failing the said subject is normal in the school. Apatah lagi subjek lain kan.

SMK Alam Megah 2 students are mostly Malays. There are only a handful of Chinese and Indian in the school and yes you may guess it right, they are the top students there. The Malay students are like the Gempak Starz Under 18’s comic characters. They are wild, truant often, smoke in the toilets, scratch teachers’ cars, puncture their tires, vandalise school equipments, and use foul language even to the teachers that they hate.

They come from troubled families e.g. divorced single parent, fakir miskin, parents involved in gangs, and families hunted by loan sharks. There’s this one occasion where a student was caught not fasting in the blessed month of Ramadan. Umi enquired his action and the boy said, “ayah saya kat rumah pun tak puasa, cikgu.”

“Kenapa awak dan ayah awak tak puasa?”

“Sebab mak saya masak tengah hari.”

Handling students like these on a daily basis is indeed taxing. Umi being a lovely mother she is, often take extra care to approach them with empathy and not judging the book by its cover. So, it’s a different ball game altogether in this new school. Kalau dulu umi selalu fokus meningkatkan bilangan pelajar cemerlang dalam peperiksaan, kini umi lebih menekankan pembangunan modal insan.

If a teacher tries to inspire these kids to be a successful doctors and engineers (sebagai contoh), their responses are somewhat similar;

“Penat la cikgu belajar rajin2. Kitorang nak lulus je.”

“Saya nak kerja kilang kat belakang ni je.” (Note: SMK Alam Megah 2 is surrounded with factories)

“Tak payahlah paksa, cikgu. Cikgu pun tahu kitorang bodoh.”

“Saya insya-Allah sambung bawak lori ayah saya, cikgu.”

There are always a lesson to be learnt and reflected from these children’s stories, to be honest. It made us think about how well our country is progressing in terms of education equality and family’s welfare. SMK USJ 12 might be only 10 km away, but the set of challenges that these teachers are facing is truly humbling.

I am very proud of umi. She decided to stay at SMK Alam Megah 2 because she believes that these ‘unfortunate children’ need their second parents at school. Cuba bayangkan, alamat rumah ibu bapa ada didaftarkan di sekolah, tapi sebenarnya tiap2 hari budak tu balik rumah dan hidup seorang2 di rumah itu dengan adik-beradiknya.

From what we can observe, their emotional bank account is almost zero and that is one of the reasons some of them enjoyed staying at school and lepak borak2 dgn cikgu. Some of them even came at our house at wee hours sbb nak tumpang tidur sbb tak tahan dengan perbalahan ibu bapa diorang kat rumah. And yes, they slept in my room downstairs -.-

May Allah bless umi, and towards all the teachers in the world.

Teachers, keep your faith strong. Sesungguhnya, amal jariah kalian tak terhitung banyaknya.

Selamat Hari Guru.

Kecek 6: Bahaso

Baru-baru ni ambo ke kursus bahaso perundange. Saloh seore tenago pengajarnyo iaitu Dr Syed Nurulakla daripado UPM adalah sangat unik. Walaupun kepakare beliau ialah bide bahaso melayu, tapi beliau jugo mampu utk bertutur dale bahaso inggeris, mandarin, dan bahaso arab. Pado ambo, hal tersebut adalah super awesome.

Berbalik kepado tajuk blogpost kito kali ini, ambo teringatlah suatu peristiwo hok berlaku lebih kure 7 tahun dulu. Nok dijadike crito, maso kelik rayo di klate, ambo menghadiri walimah anok sepupu mek. Bulehnyo nok kato dunio ni kecik jah bbena, rupo-ruponyo anok sepupu mek tu ialah senior ambo di kyuem. Patutlah raso macei ‘eh supo rajing kkelih dio ni’. Haha.

Bilo ambo perkenal diri hok ambo ni sebenarnyo junior dio di kyuem, dio pun surprised. Pahtu dio tanyo, “eh buleh kecek klate kow?”

At that moment, ambo nge umi ambo pulok hok surprised, lol. “Buleh jah... kecek klate sokmo kito,” balas ambo.

To our further surprise, dio tanyo lagi, “eh tapi kei awok duduk di Subang?”

Pahtu ambo senyak jah laa padahal dale hati nok jah balah ‘doh tu apo bezonyo kalu duduk di London sekalipong?’. Kehkehkeh.

Kesimpuleinyo, ado jah ore klate hok tokleh brain/terimo bakpo ambo adik beradik buleh kecek klate walaupun kami ni branok di kolupo dan membesar di Subang Jaya. Malah, ado hok lebih bodo – toksir lasum nah dengar anok-anok dio kecek klate walaupun keduo-duo mok poknyo ore klate.

Ore-ore laguni umi ambo kato jenih ORE TAK SEDAR DIRI. Adapun tersangatlah rugi sebenarnyo kalu dialek turun-temurun tidok diperturun kepado anok-anok. Tak kisohlah bahaso gapo pung – kalu tak diguna mako bahaso tu akan pupus dan hile. Loloni pung, ado beberapo bahaso di dunio hok cumo ado soghe duo jah penutur. Kalu penutur tu mati, mako habih hile lah bahaso tu.

Pernoh tak demo jupo ore bukei klate hok buleh kecek klate molek? Ambo ado rama saing gini. Ado soghe tu dio asalnyo ore Perok bbena tapi kalu dio kecek klate, kito mesti akan kato dio ore klate. Punconyo sebab dio ado rama saing klate di uni dulu. So it somehow blends in slowly to her tongue.

Tapi ado jugok saing ambo hok tokleh lasum kecek klate walaupun mokpok dio berbuih nah kecek klate di rumoh. Jadi adik kakok, kade2 tu pengaruh saing di skoloh lebih mempengaruhi budok2.

Pengaruh kecairan otok pun penting jugok. Ambo maso kecik2 dulu, meme bebuih nah kecek English dengan saing2 di school. Tapi bilo kelik di rumoh, otometik pulok ambo switch ke klate dengan adik-beradik dan umi abah. Jadi adik kakok, ado budok hok buleh switch inter-languages, dan ado jugok hok otoknyo slow sikit utk kecek banyok bahaso.

Ultimatenyo ia bergantung pado kemahire dan kepandaie ibu bapo lah sebenarnyo. Haaa jadi loni ni kito akei masuk ke persoale baru iaitu ‘bagaimano membesarkei anok dengan Multilanguage skills?’

Kalu kito baco website http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kevin-wong2/raising-bilingual-childre_b_9558006.html , ado 6 model according to research hok buleh dijadike pandue utk membesarkei multilingual children. Setiap model tu pulok bergantung pado kekangan hok ado dan researchers pun ado bagi suggestion utk setiap model tersebut. Cool gila.

Ambo adik beradik personally tak sedar pun ado model2 ni tapi hok paling dekat dengan pendekatei umi abah ialah bokali model nombor 2. Basically di internet pung meme ado banyok support group hok membantu ibu bapo membesarkei anok2 dgn banyok bahaso especially di US. Di Malaysia takdok kut sbb ramai parents hok gong hok nok anok2 dio kecek English sajo kahkahkah.

Ikut panda puok mg lah nok guno teknik/model mano deh. Oghe klate kato, ‘If there’s a will, there’s a way’. Pepatoh Arab pung ado sebut من سار على الدرب وصل 

Sekian. Kito jupo semula di sesi Kecek akan datang. Assalamualaikum wbt.